kristinauncensored’s blog

I'm one of those people where I find hidden meanings in my dreams.Some of them are very obvious but lately I just don't understand. Every night I have been dreaming about him. Nothing sexual, just regular dreams. Like we're hanging out somewhere or some shit. It's been almost a solid 2 months since I've spoken to him which this is why I don't understand the dreams.

I can't possibly see what would be the meaning.

I wish we were hanging out? He still has an influence on certain decisions I make in life?

Well, time for my negative affirmations:

I can dream all I want, reality is he's not a part of my life. And since he didn't feel the same, he's not thinking about me.:( Negative affirmations...only in Kristina's world.....

This was an email sent to me this morning.

From: Kim
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 7:32 AM
To: Kristina
Subject: Yesterdays challenge. ...

I really enjoy myself yesterday and today I’m feeling better about myself. I went home and relaxed and kicked back. That was the first time I did relax since we moved into the Condo. Exercising, released some of my stress. My husband is happy for me.J

I want to tell you, thank you.

Kim

I'm not trying to be a mean mom.

But this is what happened. And in my defense, all I have is me. I don't have the other parent or male figure around for guidance or to second guess my parenting decisions.

Gabby loves her snack when I pick her up from daycare. Usually I give her a banana or crackers...you know something to carry her over while I'm at the gym. The bananas I've been buying have been pretty huge lately. So I cut part of it and give her the bigger portion.

She really wanted her banana, so I gave her the half that was hers. She's SO upset that the banana is open and that she wasn't able to open it herself. Right now she's in that stage where " I wanna do it myself Mama.." is all I hear.

Well, before I even leave the parking lot, she throws it in an angry fit.

I turn around and I said:

"Gabby, why did you throw it? You wanted a banana, I gave you a banana..just because it was open doesn't mean you can't eat it"

She's pouting...not answering..

"You know, no cartoons tonight. We will go home, eat dinner and not mac and cheese, take a bath and we're going to sleep........"

Silence the whole car ride.

When we arrive at home, she says she wants the banana. I asked if she can say sorry about throwing it and she says NO. Ok, "Well, let's eat dinner and don't even think about the TV"

"Mama, cartoons.........."

"NO"

"mac and cheese....cartoons..."

"NO, your dinner is chicken, with noodles and peas...that is cheese, it's just white, eat it now."

It was really cream of mushroom sauce.

"Mama, I threw the banana at you in the car now I'm in trouble"

"Yes."

"If you finish your dinner, you can watch TV for 30 minutes then it's bath time"

She finished her dinner, we played "goin to get a happy meal" and "shake yo booty"...Then we took a bath. She's getting her 30 minutes of TV right now as I type this.

The reason why I thought I was being harsh on a 3 year old was because I told her no cartoons and especially no mac and cheese. Fuck, everyday..mac and cheese, mac and cheese. She likes other foods but dammit mac and cheese can't be dinner every week night when I have her.

Well, on a positive note, she did apologize and bat those beautiful eyes of hers. And I didn't lose my temper with her, which is something I found doing last month when my stress was at it's highest point.

Has anyone ever done something so horrible to you that "I'm sorry" couldn't fix it?

OOH...does spending the last year and a half of your life falling in love with someone, talking to them everyday/night-thinking you have some kind of special friendship, flying to California and flying them up here, then canceling all your plans on the spur of the moment for the weekend and flying down there again to see them so you can enjoy their presence in the month of March and then you return and they are no longer a part of your life. ........Does that count?

Because I feel fucking horrible, so I just need to know.

What is one thing you MUST do before you go to bed at night?

I try and figure out what I'm going to wear the next day or else it'll be like this morning....I'll be running around here shortly with no idea!

Should I start with love or loathe???????

Love: on a positive note...

• The email my friend sent me trying to convince me the West Coast is doomed, the Pinoys in California are gangsta's and I may run into Sasquatch because I live Seattle..so therefore I should move to the East Coast.
• Gabby is using the potty and more importantly, telling me when she needs to go. Bye bye shitty diapers.
• Vegas is now 2 weeks away.
• I went to the gym after one week of being glued to my bed and bottles of syrupy medicines that didn't even help.
• I found the strength to make a single mom decision to throw Gabby's party anyways despite her father and I proudly said "fuck him"....
• The sandwich I scarfed down today...a panini with ham, jarlsburg cheese, garlic mustard.....*burp
• The fact his shirt still has a slight scent of him.

Loathe:

• I've been dreaming about him lately.
• I need a pedicure.
• My hips hurt from Sunday's run still.
• I need new shoes.
• I could use a new hairstyle.

Gabby is going through potty training and she tells me when she has to tear it up on the toilet. What I don't understand is how she be sitting there for 10-15 minutes on the pooper.Man, she gets that from her dad. Why can't she just be in and out like me. And she conversates with me in between droppings...and counts them in Spanish.

Cute. But when you gotta go pee yourself....

Show us something you love about Mexico.

Tamales

Avocado

I'm losing my mind, You know it's been hard these last couple of months. I lost someone out of my life who I'm in love with and day in and day out I still think about them. I've tried to rearrange some things so that maybe I won't think about them.

I told you about the radio, certain songs..etc. And this morning as I was typing an email, you know how a few addresses pop up that's in the cookies and guess what- it was his. I sighed and went on with my morning. Four hours go by...

Then here I am typing some "financial notes" up on an account.

The word I'm trying to type: Horizon.

I proof read my notes before I hit save and what did I type?

His full name.

I'm staring and staring at the notes like wtf is going on here and why does this look weird.....

Um, maybe because I wrote: add to Secure {insert his first name here}, instead  add to Secure Horizons...
I'm going crazy. I miss him. I'm in love with him. I think subconciously my vagina may be waiting for him.
I want to email him, I can't. I want to call him, I can't.What am I supposed to do?

Realize he's no longer a part of my life and that he doesn't love me.

I may never win this argument.

This morning while enjoying my coffee I took a second to think about what mom said to me yesterday. She was talking about how she only wants to drink organic milk, which I got and I need to watch what I eat. My response back is that you know when you have to budget and you have child care to pay, organic milk can break you or organic products in general.

AND..

What I eat?

Do you even look at what I eat? Do you know what it is that I am cooking, the ingredients, the quality, the nutrition level..I didn't lose weight on my own without watching what I eat...does she even know it's a fuckin lifestyle change, one that I think I have under control very well.....

My mom: well you at a lot of rice....oh and that stuff, what is that btw???

She's talking about Cous Cous. Which mine is whole wheat. I do eat rice but when I cook rice for myself at home I use brown jasmine rice. Pasta- again whole wheat organic shit...I cook with ground turkey or chicken. I eat balanced..What the fuck?????

I just don't get it. Should I be eating carrots and a head of lettuce 5 times a day???? I doubt enjoying pancakes with my daughter 2 times a month will bring my health to a halt..

This conversation can just be soooooooooooooooo annoying sometimes......................