You know...

You know... *My first slap in my face was when I opened up my email today and Alaska had already sent me my online check in. I had forgotten..it's 24 hours ahead that you can do that. My second slap was when I worked up enough nerve to hit the cancel button, it red flagged and said because it's blah fucking blah "non refundable" you must call 1-800- what the fuck, who the fuck wanna talk to somone when they're upset?

That through my afternoon for the worse....

I wrote this yesterday while I was alone at lunch that way no one can see me cry...and yes I not only blog but I get out a pen and actually write shit down....

It's just that...

In two days I could see him. But is that right? Is that what I want? Ask myself that. Do you want to fuck? I know myself. I know deep down inside there is a beautiful person that has so much to offer someone. I wouldn't only be physically fucking but it would also be mentally as well. For once in my life I would love for someone to make love to me. You know- they really don't even have to love me for that matter...I just want to wake up next to someone and know that it's me that brings a smile to their face, it's me they desire, they want to see me again....

Now back to the reality of things...

To go there doesn't mean mending my heart. It 's just breaking and fucking breaking at this point. If he doesn't touch me, or for some reason I don't see him, I'm not sure I can take that kind of rejection from him..

I tried to pour my heart to him today...He won't hear me out about this distance....

Well, do I need him to spell it out for me?

He doesn't love me, never has...Everything I thought this ever was, it really wasn't.

And tonight, I called and cancelled my ticket, I almost started crying to the Alaska bitch. She sounded all compassionate..I may never get to see him again.....

..... the one thing about someone I love, I trust them. I trust what he's telling me is true. If it's truly distance but I made him happy, why can't he have a little faith?? Because to me he is someone I dated, to him I'm just some girl he slept with....