if you could take the yummy mystery meat with you on a camping trip or pack it in your earthquake kit....
Well.....
Love:
My achieved my goals at work and exceeded them by 8%. At least I know my exhaustion is worth it.
The mint tea I drank this morning.
Loathe:
The fact I had to clear my schedule this week because I'm so drained and so fucking pooped that I'm sleeping like 10 hours a night.
I cried over Mr.Cali today.
Bitterness
I've been down and out now for a couple of weeks.
I knew it was going to catch up me....
My friend says: You sound like shit, you're a mother, you teach, you work a bunch of fuckin overtime, you continue to go the gym, you hang out, you commute, you wake up early and who knows what time you sleep at if you sleep at all, you were always stressing over plane tickets...I'd like to diagnose you with depression and exhaustion....save your 20.00 co pay.
Unfortunately, I think she may be right. But some people i.e my boss who is worried about me, would like me to go to the doctor. So tomorrow I'm seeing the MD....
I've cancelled my classes this week. I go straight home after work and sleep. I sit at my desk at work and just space out into LALA land....Yea, somethings wrong with me.
Hey didn't Mariah Carey get diagnosed with exhaustion one time?
What most excites you about the way you're living your life right now?
As of today...not a gott-damn thang.
*I'm so excited to work overtime and come home to myself and maybe masturbate later cuz I'm kind of horny and I liked the way my booty stuck out of my jeans earlier and OH because I'm depressed and my eyes are swollen from crying all weekend I didn't go to the gym tonight and I even cancelled my class so I could get some fucking me time to sit here at 6:46pm on a fine Monday evening and OH..wait my life will get exciting later when I go on myspace to change my profile songs or my status update and my EXCITING Monday night will end by me cooking my dinner/lunch for one which is another simple reminder that my life fucking sucks ass more than a Jenna Jameson porn. And maybe just maybe I will type another 20 emails to the one I love and not send them. seems to be a habit....
I've spent the last few hours trying to think all the hurtful things he has did or/and or said to me so that I can block him out of my mind. I also spent the few hours trying to convince myself the new Coach purse deserves me or I deserve it....I've already broken down to 2 of my friends today and right now, I look a mess...
My friend told me, you don't chase em, you replace em....
Oh -ok playa, playa...I don't want to replace anybody. What I wanted was him, What I wanted last weekend was to go there, hang out, go to the gym with him, maybe see Malibu and stuff and freaking cook a steak with asparagus and enjoy endless intercourse.
My heart is like jello right now. I'm fucking crying on cue whenever he gets brought up.
I think that sometimes it's used a general expression, "That's depressing..."
For me, this is a bit of a reality. The signs: I don't sleep, I cry, I block people out, I don't want to leave this house, I have headaches all the time, and a number one sign...the sun was out today, and if it wasn't for my boxing appointment with Talina, then I may have never left the house.
In other words, the sun didn't work it's magic today.
So this is what I did. At some point you can bottle up so much and shut people out for so long until they start to wonder wtf is up with you and you yourself start to wonder.....does this empty feeling go away?
I tried talking about it today.
I don't know, like goals which I think are important to share with others, I thought maybe sharing a glimpse of the down side of my life *trying to be happy is afterall a goal with someone unbiased would help get me grounded for a minute. What a better time to do that but when I was with my trainer. She's mentioned the past couple of times that I haven't..quite been myself, seem out of it...focus...need to focus.. Shit, the price I'm paying, I want to be focused, trust me. I want to be healthy..but it's hard to do that when you have 50 what if's going on and what's hurting more than your abs and your ass from doing a proper bob and weave is your heart.
So I told her two things today.
One, last week I was supposed to go to California and I'm taking it pretty hard right now.
Two,
I wore a long sleeve shirt to boxing today because I didn't shave my
pits and I don't want to be known as the hairy pit girl at the gym...
Her response:
You're
still thinking about the Cali guy, huh???? You know, heartbreak gets
easier...it'll happen a couple of times..you'll know how to handle it
better next time...
I think being known as the stinky girl at the gym is worse than a hairy girl.......
The bright side to things...
I've been working out.Running, running and more running.....
I've been eating healthy.
I've been wearing makeup and fixing myself up.
I haven't lit up a cigarette.
I'm thinking about taking a creative writing class.
May is around the corner which = VEGAS..........
I'm thinking about celebrating 4/20 on 6/13.
Down side to things...
I'm tired, truly tired.
I thought about his kiss today and the way it makes me feel.
Heart break happens again? But it's always happening to me..I never win.....
My hands were shaking after boxing, which is actually a good sign so maybe this should be inserted under bright side...
My little Gabby Bear helped me through the week and I have to give her back tomorrow.
I truly miss him and I still think it could have worked...
Yesterday at work we had snack Friday. It consisted of bringing a "snack" which turned into lumpia, meatballs, rice, beef and broccoli, crab stuffed mushrooms and other foods....Glad I was a bit stuffed up because from what I hear, the bathroom was on funk. And people were taking naps at their desk.
See this is why you shouldn't have potlucks......
*pleated skirt.....cape....
I did realize something. I still believe in love and that you shouldn't pass up the chance to be happy. If only I can convince myself that the concept can be applied in my life.....
And chance. I don't do the bars after work. I don't do single spots. I don't do co-workers....I'm afraid to do anyone at the gym because I'll be damned when the shit don't work out and I aint switching gyms....
That would leave chance. Meeting someone by chance.....
You know ,who would have known I would have met him and yea....look at me now. I took that chance with him...At least I tried.
