kristinauncensored’s blog

And this exactly why..

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sun, 18 May 2008 22:28:47 -0700

You have to love it when you’re out and about and you run into old friends. Well, ok, maybe not “ friends” but familiar faces. Friday night was my debut back into the scene. Not the dating scene per say, cuz studies have proven Kristina is not quite ready for that yet, but a simple hang out with friends, put makeup on and a short skirt and call it good kind of night.

Because I knew I was a few days out from going to Vegas, i didn’t want to spend a ton of money so I pre-funked. Eh…well all my friend was Organic Vodka. I’m not sure how it was any different from the ghetto shit I’m used to but all I know was by the time we were picked up I was already feeling REALLY good….

So we kick it at this place. And the bouncer is like…”hey you work out at the gym in…”I’m like, yup! that’s me. He hooked me up with a couple of drinks….

And then about 3 sips in, someone walks up to me and is like ”Kristina?? Do you remember from high school?? How are you??”

honesty just comes sooo easy for me….

“yes, I remember you, I just can’t remember your name sorry….”

I remember you were kind of fine in high school.

I remember you were VERY quiet in high school.

I’ve had some Vodka tonight and sometimes I can’t remember what I did 2 hours ago.

“you actually recognize me though, I haven’t seen you in years….”-me

“yes, but I must say you look so different”- him

Yes, ass- I’ve lost weight but he’s just not going to say it to my face……

“I broke up with my girlfriend 2 weeks ago and I’m ..I don’t know AND I just saw her across the street at this other bar……”-him

“Oh…yea, I’m sorry to hear that, I know it’s hard, huh?”-me

Um, I’m sorry. Why are we all fucked up? Thank you for sharing that you are indeed as fucked up as me. The difference between him and I though, is that I waited to go out so that I could avoid these EXACT conversations…I’m sad….long distance… California …broken heart…UGH!!!!!!!! And you know what’s even more sad, is that truly he doesn’t even know me like that and he’s telling me about her. How heartbreaking is that. Poor guy. I wanted to tell him just to go home and don’t think about speed dating cuz if he mentions his breakup or his ex in the first 60 seconds he may not score another five. It’s ok to be at home. I’ve been at home for 2 months. I cry like everyday. But it’s ok cuz I’m at home or in my car. Sometimes I wake up from a bad dream and I’ll call my best friend and start crying to her.

But something I will NOT do is go up to innocent men in the club and talk about Mr.Cali. Because something tells me they don’t want to hear it!

“So Kristina, have you been married yet or anything?”- him

“No, nope…*shaking head no.”- me.

Hey -he’s already sad enough. Let’s spare him the finer details of my pathetic life.

I may be heart broken and single and possibly a mess.

BUT

since high school…

I’m not thinking about speed dating.

I’m really successful…eh, well- I don’t own anything yet…oh wait I created the “Post It” note..yup the flouresent colored ones…or did I create the thing that wraps around your hot coffee cup..Yes, I do look different. …OH…this night is so going into that book I’m writing…

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And yet...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Mon, 12 May 2008 04:45:34 -0700

Another dream.
About him.
It's ok to dream, right?
I'm sad this morning.
I'm still in love.

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Even my iPod knows how much I love him....

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sun, 04 May 2008 21:26:44 -0700

I was downloading music tonight and I happened to look at my download list and songs recently played.I remember for the month of March the most played song was Chris Brown, With You. Whenever I missed him or something cheesy like I called him and he didn't answer, I'd always listen to it.

It reminds me of the car ride with him when he was in Seattle. When he visited me here, it was a big deal for me. God, you just don't know how many times I febreezed my couch or how nervous I was that he wasn't going to like B&O *Seattle's best fuckin espresso ever or better yet how nervous I was that he was going to be meeting one of my most judgmental best friends, ...I guess the lyrics brought warmth and a smile to me as so did he.

But now I can't bring myself to listen to it.

When it comes on the radio, I tear up. I turn it off. It came on in my friends car a few weeks back, I asked her to change the station. Now according to my iPod, the last time I listened to it was April 10th......

Well, song or no song, I still think about him...everyday.

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The Sun Didn’t Work It’s Magic Today...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 22:00:32 -0700

I think that sometimes it's used a general expression, "That's depressing..."

For me, this is a bit of a reality. The signs: I don't sleep, I cry, I block people out, I don't want to leave this house, I have headaches all the time, and a number one sign...the sun was out today, and if it wasn't for my boxing appointment with Talina, then I may have never left the house.

In other words, the sun didn't work it's magic today.

So this is what I did. At some point you can bottle up so much and shut people out for so long until they start to wonder wtf is up with you and you yourself start to wonder.....does this empty feeling go away?

I tried talking about it today.

I don't know, like goals which I think are important to share with others, I thought maybe sharing a glimpse of the down side of my life *trying to be happy is afterall a goal with someone unbiased would help get me grounded for a minute. What a better time to do that but when I was with my trainer. She's mentioned the past couple of times that I haven't..quite been myself, seem out of it...focus...need to focus.. Shit, the price I'm paying, I want to be focused, trust me. I want to be healthy..but it's hard to do that when you have 50 what if's going on and what's hurting more than your abs and your ass from doing a proper bob and weave is your heart.

So I told her two things today.

One, last week I was supposed to go to California and I'm taking it pretty hard right now.
Two, I wore a long sleeve shirt to boxing today because I didn't shave my pits and I don't want to be known as the hairy pit girl at the gym...

Her response:

You're still thinking about the Cali guy, huh???? You know, heartbreak gets easier...it'll happen a couple of times..you'll know how to handle it better next time...
I think being known as the stinky girl at the gym is worse than a hairy girl.......

The bright side to things...

I've been working out.Running, running and more running.....
I've been eating healthy.
I've been wearing makeup and fixing myself up.
I haven't lit up a cigarette.
I'm thinking about taking a creative writing class.
May is around the corner which = VEGAS..........
I'm thinking about celebrating 4/20 on 6/13.

Down side to things...

I'm tired, truly tired.
I thought about his kiss today and the way it makes me feel.
Heart break happens again? But it's always happening to me..I never win.....
My hands were shaking after boxing, which is actually a good sign so maybe this should be inserted under bright side...
My little Gabby Bear helped me through the week and I have to give her back tomorrow.
I truly miss him and I still think it could have worked...

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You know...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 21:57:48 -0700

You know... *My first slap in my face was when I opened up my email today and Alaska had already sent me my online check in. I had forgotten..it's 24 hours ahead that you can do that. My second slap was when I worked up enough nerve to hit the cancel button, it red flagged and said because it's blah fucking blah "non refundable" you must call 1-800- what the fuck, who the fuck wanna talk to somone when they're upset?

That through my afternoon for the worse....

I wrote this yesterday while I was alone at lunch that way no one can see me cry...and yes I not only blog but I get out a pen and actually write shit down....

It's just that...

In two days I could see him. But is that right? Is that what I want? Ask myself that. Do you want to fuck? I know myself. I know deep down inside there is a beautiful person that has so much to offer someone. I wouldn't only be physically fucking but it would also be mentally as well. For once in my life I would love for someone to make love to me. You know- they really don't even have to love me for that matter...I just want to wake up next to someone and know that it's me that brings a smile to their face, it's me they desire, they want to see me again....

Now back to the reality of things...

To go there doesn't mean mending my heart. It 's just breaking and fucking breaking at this point. If he doesn't touch me, or for some reason I don't see him, I'm not sure I can take that kind of rejection from him..

I tried to pour my heart to him today...He won't hear me out about this distance....

Well, do I need him to spell it out for me?

He doesn't love me, never has...Everything I thought this ever was, it really wasn't.

And tonight, I called and cancelled my ticket, I almost started crying to the Alaska bitch. She sounded all compassionate..I may never get to see him again.....

..... the one thing about someone I love, I trust them. I trust what he's telling me is true. If it's truly distance but I made him happy, why can't he have a little faith?? Because to me he is someone I dated, to him I'm just some girl he slept with....

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I just..

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 17:34:37 -0700

Don't have anything to say to the opposite sex right now.

I'm sad. I'm bitter. I cry a lot.

No- I don't wanna hang out. No, you can't get my #. No, I'm not happy.

It's sad that one guy could ruin it for me and that the male species have to pay the price now. I can't rush to meet the next person. I can't make believe that my heart isn't hurting and that I'm not in love with someone.

I've tried to act as if everything is ok with me. I've tried...

But right now, I'm failing. *tears...

You know you'd think that when you try to get over someone and they are in a totally different state that it's easy but it's not.

I wish ...things were different.

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Welcome Back

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 20:03:53 -0700

Tonight my friend asked me if I need to be in relationship to be happy....

No.

But next time I fly if ever again to see someone to date them or choose to bang the shit outta em on the regular, a little appreciation and affection would be nice. That would make me fucking happy.

I don't need to know what you were doing at 6:57pm on March 13th but I'd like to be secure that you're not sticking it to 5 other girls and jepordizing my vagina and my mouth for that matter.

Is that a relationship?

I don't know. I can't tell you about relationships because I was never in one.

*Welcome back bitter blogging, we missed you, you like fell in love and stuff and started being all happy, well grab a drink and let's catch up...........

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Is this the way my map is drawn?

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 21:53:27 -0700

01 Bleeding Love

Leona Lewis

Yesterday after dropping Gabby off, I found myself driving around to no where.

I had places I needed to go but for some reason I continued to drive. The sun was out and I was in a good mood since I had just spent time with Gabby and all. I needed to think. I needed air. I also needed to go piss but I continued my drive and I kept flipping through radio stations.

The radio is hard for me when I’m sad because sometimes when I’m at a light, I start to tear up * thank God for gangsta rap.., I hear a song that reminds me of happiness or a car ride with him and I start to think optimistcally. So yesterday here I am trying to go through the mental notes I’ve been taking over the past week and trying to find how to say it to him.

I took a deep breath and I thought about how I’m down to a text or an IM with him. Can someone please explain? The last kiss, it felt good. He..he felt good. I was starting to be me and I think he accepted that...

After a week of not speaking to him, I pull over and call him. He ended up calling back but it seems we sat in silence for a bit. I spit out "I miss you..this has been hard." but that got me no where.

It’s a dead end, the romantic part of us.. he says

That’s harsh.

Maybe because he is intelligent, I was expecting bigger words. Maybe because I feel I go places in life, the words "dead end" don’t exist in my vocabulary. Or maybe because in real life when I see the sign Dead End, I usually turn around and figure out a way to get to where I’m going. There’s always a way around the round-a-bout. Head north and turn cold -friendship over, Head south- and stay heated, my heart has been south since the first day I kissed him. Is this real? Is this the way the map of my heart is drawn?

*my heart taking a stop at this conveniant store........

Hi Mr.Habib,I don’t need a hotdog and a cold drink to go with my Rum in the car but I think I do need directions. I saw this Dead End sign and I’m trying to return to this place. This place wasn’t like heaven. It smelled of day old coffee and outdated Adobo. But there was this guy there, he’s about 5’8 or so and he has this nice ass like a baseball player. Our friendship used to make me smile and he brought out this passion in me that I didn’t know existed. How do I get back to that road?

Conveniant store worker: Bitch, you break you buy..We don’t have new hearts here...you wanna feel passion again? Drink a 40...I feel sorry for your mudder............

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Not really a secret that...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 22:59:19 -0700

0321081825a-1

Not....

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This morning...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 10:25:42 -0700

I find myself wondering why I say Good Morning to people when I don't really mean it. I want them to have a wonderful morning, don't get me wrong but me personally, I'm not having a good morning.

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