kristinauncensored’s blog

And yet...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Mon, 12 May 2008 04:45:34 -0700

Another dream.
About him.
It's ok to dream, right?
I'm sad this morning.
I'm still in love.

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The Sun Didn’t Work It’s Magic Today...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 22:00:32 -0700

I think that sometimes it's used a general expression, "That's depressing..."

For me, this is a bit of a reality. The signs: I don't sleep, I cry, I block people out, I don't want to leave this house, I have headaches all the time, and a number one sign...the sun was out today, and if it wasn't for my boxing appointment with Talina, then I may have never left the house.

In other words, the sun didn't work it's magic today.

So this is what I did. At some point you can bottle up so much and shut people out for so long until they start to wonder wtf is up with you and you yourself start to wonder.....does this empty feeling go away?

I tried talking about it today.

I don't know, like goals which I think are important to share with others, I thought maybe sharing a glimpse of the down side of my life *trying to be happy is afterall a goal with someone unbiased would help get me grounded for a minute. What a better time to do that but when I was with my trainer. She's mentioned the past couple of times that I haven't..quite been myself, seem out of it...focus...need to focus.. Shit, the price I'm paying, I want to be focused, trust me. I want to be healthy..but it's hard to do that when you have 50 what if's going on and what's hurting more than your abs and your ass from doing a proper bob and weave is your heart.

So I told her two things today.

One, last week I was supposed to go to California and I'm taking it pretty hard right now.
Two, I wore a long sleeve shirt to boxing today because I didn't shave my pits and I don't want to be known as the hairy pit girl at the gym...

Her response:

You're still thinking about the Cali guy, huh???? You know, heartbreak gets easier...it'll happen a couple of times..you'll know how to handle it better next time...
I think being known as the stinky girl at the gym is worse than a hairy girl.......

The bright side to things...

I've been working out.Running, running and more running.....
I've been eating healthy.
I've been wearing makeup and fixing myself up.
I haven't lit up a cigarette.
I'm thinking about taking a creative writing class.
May is around the corner which = VEGAS..........
I'm thinking about celebrating 4/20 on 6/13.

Down side to things...

I'm tired, truly tired.
I thought about his kiss today and the way it makes me feel.
Heart break happens again? But it's always happening to me..I never win.....
My hands were shaking after boxing, which is actually a good sign so maybe this should be inserted under bright side...
My little Gabby Bear helped me through the week and I have to give her back tomorrow.
I truly miss him and I still think it could have worked...

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You know...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 21:57:48 -0700

You know... *My first slap in my face was when I opened up my email today and Alaska had already sent me my online check in. I had forgotten..it's 24 hours ahead that you can do that. My second slap was when I worked up enough nerve to hit the cancel button, it red flagged and said because it's blah fucking blah "non refundable" you must call 1-800- what the fuck, who the fuck wanna talk to somone when they're upset?

That through my afternoon for the worse....

I wrote this yesterday while I was alone at lunch that way no one can see me cry...and yes I not only blog but I get out a pen and actually write shit down....

It's just that...

In two days I could see him. But is that right? Is that what I want? Ask myself that. Do you want to fuck? I know myself. I know deep down inside there is a beautiful person that has so much to offer someone. I wouldn't only be physically fucking but it would also be mentally as well. For once in my life I would love for someone to make love to me. You know- they really don't even have to love me for that matter...I just want to wake up next to someone and know that it's me that brings a smile to their face, it's me they desire, they want to see me again....

Now back to the reality of things...

To go there doesn't mean mending my heart. It 's just breaking and fucking breaking at this point. If he doesn't touch me, or for some reason I don't see him, I'm not sure I can take that kind of rejection from him..

I tried to pour my heart to him today...He won't hear me out about this distance....

Well, do I need him to spell it out for me?

He doesn't love me, never has...Everything I thought this ever was, it really wasn't.

And tonight, I called and cancelled my ticket, I almost started crying to the Alaska bitch. She sounded all compassionate..I may never get to see him again.....

..... the one thing about someone I love, I trust them. I trust what he's telling me is true. If it's truly distance but I made him happy, why can't he have a little faith?? Because to me he is someone I dated, to him I'm just some girl he slept with....

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I just..

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 17:34:37 -0700

Don't have anything to say to the opposite sex right now.

I'm sad. I'm bitter. I cry a lot.

No- I don't wanna hang out. No, you can't get my #. No, I'm not happy.

It's sad that one guy could ruin it for me and that the male species have to pay the price now. I can't rush to meet the next person. I can't make believe that my heart isn't hurting and that I'm not in love with someone.

I've tried to act as if everything is ok with me. I've tried...

But right now, I'm failing. *tears...

You know you'd think that when you try to get over someone and they are in a totally different state that it's easy but it's not.

I wish ...things were different.

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No other way to say it...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 00:50:31 -0700

I miss him. No other way to say it.

*now go to sleep, shave your coochie in the morning,eat some protein and go to the gym tomorrow night where I’m sure some lucky Seattle guy who is still straight would love to try your pie and rub on your Kristina Kardashian ass.

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Is this the way my map is drawn?

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 21:53:27 -0700

01 Bleeding Love

Leona Lewis

Yesterday after dropping Gabby off, I found myself driving around to no where.

I had places I needed to go but for some reason I continued to drive. The sun was out and I was in a good mood since I had just spent time with Gabby and all. I needed to think. I needed air. I also needed to go piss but I continued my drive and I kept flipping through radio stations.

The radio is hard for me when I’m sad because sometimes when I’m at a light, I start to tear up * thank God for gangsta rap.., I hear a song that reminds me of happiness or a car ride with him and I start to think optimistcally. So yesterday here I am trying to go through the mental notes I’ve been taking over the past week and trying to find how to say it to him.

I took a deep breath and I thought about how I’m down to a text or an IM with him. Can someone please explain? The last kiss, it felt good. He..he felt good. I was starting to be me and I think he accepted that...

After a week of not speaking to him, I pull over and call him. He ended up calling back but it seems we sat in silence for a bit. I spit out "I miss you..this has been hard." but that got me no where.

It’s a dead end, the romantic part of us.. he says

That’s harsh.

Maybe because he is intelligent, I was expecting bigger words. Maybe because I feel I go places in life, the words "dead end" don’t exist in my vocabulary. Or maybe because in real life when I see the sign Dead End, I usually turn around and figure out a way to get to where I’m going. There’s always a way around the round-a-bout. Head north and turn cold -friendship over, Head south- and stay heated, my heart has been south since the first day I kissed him. Is this real? Is this the way the map of my heart is drawn?

*my heart taking a stop at this conveniant store........

Hi Mr.Habib,I don’t need a hotdog and a cold drink to go with my Rum in the car but I think I do need directions. I saw this Dead End sign and I’m trying to return to this place. This place wasn’t like heaven. It smelled of day old coffee and outdated Adobo. But there was this guy there, he’s about 5’8 or so and he has this nice ass like a baseball player. Our friendship used to make me smile and he brought out this passion in me that I didn’t know existed. How do I get back to that road?

Conveniant store worker: Bitch, you break you buy..We don’t have new hearts here...you wanna feel passion again? Drink a 40...I feel sorry for your mudder............

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Not really a secret that...

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 22:59:19 -0700

0321081825a-1

Not....

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I forgot to love and loathe Tuesday....

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 20:59:18 -0700

Since I've had my heart broken recently, I'm just gonna loathe. Please neighborhood bare with me...

Loathe:

Distance
The fact that I may never be with someone I love.
The fact that I can't tell my friends what has happened yet because I start crying.
The fact that I saw him a little over 7-8 days ago and we were fine.
The fact that I didn't need to hear" your my girl", I just wanted to know I was special in his life.
I have a plane ticket to go there in April and I'm not ready to cancel it yet because honestly,I'd love to see him
it seems relationships are over rated and no one seems to want them anymore.
I'm scared he won't be in my life and then one day just like the fucking movies, I will run into his ass at a airport or something and I will fall in love all over again.

more loathing...

my cramps
my hair after the gym
I ate 3 fried chicken strips for dinner
my shoulders hurt
gas prices are rising

Love:

My vagina is still in tact after my workout, whether it works I'm not sure.
I saw more pubes in the locker room and speedos in the hot tub...ew,hahahaha......

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daily twitters or some shit

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 01:38:51 -0700

I've seen this shit somewhere.Daily twitters.

I think you're supposed to give a time line of your day. Here's mine for Friday March 14th.
2am wake up to see if he's called
5am- wake up again... check my phone to see if he's called me, yet again.
530 shit and shower
640 leave the house, drop Gabby at daycare
815 stroll into work
900 send him an email
1000 read response
1132 break down hysterically into tears at my desk, couldn't make it to my coworkers birthday lunch
1140 continue to cry in my bosses office while she hugs me and I think my cheek touched her boob
1200 convince my boss not to think differently of me while I light up a cigarette
1215 eat Thai food and try not to think about what I just read or what my night has in store for me
100pm still feeling like shit, staring at my computer thinking about how I just saw him last week, our kiss before I left his apartment, the kiss before I got out the car at LAX, the anticipation of our next date,and how I've been dying to try his sinigang.
230 walk in the rain with my coworkers and think.
430 hang out w/ my coworker before I picked up Gabby
630 meet best friend for dinner, shoot the shit,chased Gabby around a restaurant, think about what to do with my ticket for LA in April.
800 in line for coffee at Starbucks and hear this song and by the time I order I'm choked up
815 hand my friend her coffee and she tells me I better not start fucking crying at Barnes and Noble
830 I point out to my friend that the horse action figures look like their doing it doggy style and she points out my sick sense of humor. *it's the artist in me coming out..I see things other people don't
920pm call him
950 or so....it's so much distance, he's not ready for a relationship...........
951 until now.......crying

For those of you who have been following my blogs forever now, you should know how much I love him and I what I've done to prove that. I'm numb.

126am I should be sleeping, meet with Talina in the morning for boxing..meet Lita for coffee :) and then somewhere in there, my tears will return.

And soon, my bitter blogging returns.

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How to get to Babe-land.

nobody@vox.com(kristina-uncensored) — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 20:02:46 -0800

This is just being honest.

You don't know how bad this weekend when he was inside of me that I wanted to tell him, "Babe- that feels good"

You're prolly thinking what's the big deal with the "babe"? How does one bring themselves to use this term of endearment towards another? I know the waitress at Denny's calls me babe all the time and I don't think twice about it. How come it's such a big deal when it has to do with the one your dating?

I just know how to get to the "Babe-land"....

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