5 posts tagged “single life”

*sarcasm...It's kinda like I was on a date tonight. I mean, my best friend and I went to this bar to eat dinner and before we even enter, these guys are looking at us through the window and staring. We sit down and they continue to stare and whisper to each other and not acknowledge the rather butch ghetto looking  "You just don't look like your myspace picture" broads that were sitting across from them. As I turned around, he would look at his steak and then look at me.* cut, look, cut, sip water, look...ok laugh at heffa's joke..look, meat going into mouth.

And I continued to cut open my bacon wrapped stuffed jalapeno and as the middle oozed out and I continued to think" wow this looks like...the stuffing from a bacon wrapped jalapeno and not cum" and I would smile and flip my hair around and lick my Cadillac Margarita rim cuz I know that shit is kinda sexy and rather salty and you need to lick your rim before you sip a Margarita...Anyways- I knew...that mentally, he was on the date with me.

Uh huh. I left with confidence tonight. When I left there I told myself:

Self.
Yes.
You wanna watch a Sex and the City?
Yes.
Do you wanna wear heels and drink Cosmo's?
No. I wanna wear flip flops, my Seven jeans and drink tequila cuz I don't do Vodka.
Do wanna wait til the 1030PM show cuz all the chicks in high heels somehow scored tickets before you?
No. I'd rather go to Nordstrom and try on Dolce and Gabbana bra's that no one will ever rip off of me.
You can't afford Dolce and Gabbana bra's.
I know. I have to pay for my Vegas habit and my make-me-over MILF waredrobe I'm trying to accomplish.
Well, then what do you want to do self?
I want to spot couples who just don't look right together, like the couple tonight that I was mentally on the date with and break them up.
Sounds good self.
Oh, I also want to play a session of " Do you think these chicks are watching Sex and the City tonight?"
Oh, I betcha this bitch aint with those plaid short, shorts.
Nope, that dude with the orange pants isn't either.
Oh, beautiful $548.00 pair of Jimmy Choo's, are you going to watch Sex and the City?
Nope they're not going either. Good luck to you though finding a guy who knows who Jimmy Choo is.
Do you really want a guy who knows who Jimmy Choo is anyways... because that would wreak GAY...

Well, hey anything to get me out so I'm not spending yet another quiet evening, blogging.

I think I have had this question asked to me at least 30 times this week....

Who'd you meet in Vegas and did you hook up?

It all started with me boarding my plane and sending my text.Not knowing if he'll get it or whatever or even respond cuz the phone had to be shut off in a matter of minutes.

I get off the plane. And next to Starbucks I see someone and I think to myself Mr. Cali who??? Shit, bitch you's in Vegas-what the fuck is wrong with you.

Then-

Let's see, let's rattle my brain for a minute. The first night was late. We had a couple of drinks and we were just in the hotel bar. There really wasn't much action going on at 1am on Weds night. Especially when you are exhausted from work, travel, etc.

The next day we hung at the pool. Now there was one incredibly good looking guy there, not really my type per say, but shit I aint blind! Man, if anyone has a picture of his ass- then please send it to me!!!
Oh and of course there was Mike from NYC...who referred to me as Polko Dots. And also told me I was sweet. Sweet? I need to work on that. Hallmark cards are sweet. Then he went on to say " if only you'd talk to me, you would make things easier...."

"I have to use the bathroom."

Maybe thats not what he had in mind. Then somewhere in between beers,shots, Margarita's and whatever else 80 proof came my way, we ended up at Tao.Now I think I dressed the part.You know I wore a shirt as a dress.Ok, it's just a REAL short dress. At one point my friend told me she could see my asshole.LOL, cool! NOT. Full coverage underwear it was..

But see, that's the thing. just when I think I'm all nice and skank ready for the club or Vegas for that matter, there is someone out there showing more ass than me or more back than or chest than me....

What does a girl gotta do to get laid around here?

Anyways-*sigh, So when we enter Tao we make our way to the bar and the dancefloor. It's SOO freaking packed that you can't do shit but rub up on each other on the dancefloor. I'm pretty sure that I was mounted and a penis was inserted in my ass, thru my underwear of course, only so that a guy could get by me.

You know, there was a whole lotta looking going on at the club. But that's it. Just a bunch of eyes. Maybe they were drunk and just trying to focus and MAYBE they weren't truly looking at me...but c'mon-again I ask the question- What does a girl gotta do to get laid around here?

Let me remind you. This is Memorial Weekend. Not any old weekend in August but Memorial Day.Flocks of guys, usually are out..Hmmm...

The next night, or the last night actually we found this Lounge at the Mirage called Revolution. I honestly, was a little nervous. I do lounges in Seattle all the time. But Vegas- I'm all about the clubbing scene, whether or not you get your toes smashed or you're paying 14.00 a drink. There's something about the scene that I love.

But as we get into Revolution, dat shit is crackin!!!!!!!!! Music consisted of Musiq, De La Soul, Kanye West,P.Diddy, and more current shit and also older but good shit...There was a variety of people and there was room to sit and room to shake dat ass.

I, personally, had goals to meet someone, a stranger at that, and possibly would have been willing to make out with them. I am being totally honest. I didn't want to get laid. When I ask the question, I'm hypothetically speaking..but I needed something to help get my mind off of the reality.

And if all else fails- I just wanted to dance.

So since it was slim pickins for me in there, I settled for dancing with a nice gentleman from the 510 I think...or Long Beach??Fuck, I don't remember. But anyways- dancing-dancing..takin it low, low,low, low,low...and wearing heels and rather short shorts might I add, my ass got tired. See, dancing on the dancefloor, you don't have to engage in conversation. They try and hit you with 21 questions as you sit down. I tried to avoid that but with heels, I had no choice.

He comes to join me at the couch we're on.

He offers me a drink. Ok, I did one shot with him, sheesh..free Patron-who I am kidding...

Then he decides to start a conversation with me. Like do you have a BF in Seattle, why not, I don't believe you, how could you be single, when was the last time you were in California...you have kids..this is what I do for a living...yea, California and Seattle aren't far at all...I'd love for you to come visit...bring your daughter, she's welcome...Can I get your number so I can keep in touch with you...

"I have to use the bathroom".

That excuse has worked too well for me while in Vegas this time.

Found my friends, hit the bathroom and slipped away onto the casino floor. Didn't leave a number...Thank you for bringing me back to reality just when I wanted to escape it the most.

But you already know what reality is for me. And- trust me, if this guy were more my type and maybe chilled on the come visit C-A-L-I talk, maybe this story would have a different ending.

Nope-didn't meet anyone.

Was I doing something wrong? My boss points out my look wreaks" I like committments and relationships,serious stuff..marriage.." There's a "I like marriage"look? If so, I need to schedule an appointment with a plastic surgeon ASAP and STAT to get that shit removed. I mean- ok, I do like committments..verbally anyways, I do like relationships most of all.

But I don't think I give that look off. I didn't even know there were different looks...Right now if you could see me- just picture the look of confusion.

Because this is what another day in the life of Single Kristina has brought me to, pure confusion and alot of bathroom breaks.

I kill me sometimes...

The other day I came into work looking kinda proper. Well, I curled my hair, that was about it. Sorry, no pictures of it. ANYWAYS..I met my best friend for lunch that day. I took her to this little cafe where they have these bomb ass panini's.So we enjoyed our little plates of food for big prices.

Then I made a special purchase.

I go back to work and I am just fucking glowing happy. I run and tell my boss and coworker that " I got something." They heard: "I got some" They're like, who, what, where, nooner..they're basically jumping for fucking joy..Then I said, "NO...I got SOME-THING.." They're like oh...ah..what'd you get...did your homegirl take you down the adult store..did you get a dildo? "

I gave them the bag to open.

"Kristina- "

Yes.

"this is a cookie."

Yes, chocolate chip.

"You didn't go to the toy store?"

No.

"You didn't curl your hair cuz you had a date & your homegirl wasn't a coverup?"

No.

"Kristina, we haven't seen you smile like this in awhile..you're smiling like over a damn cookie...Kristina, you need to get laid"

Well, it's a REALLY good cookie....

"You should be gettin excited over some sex, not cookies..."

Oh....

They say chocolate is like good sex right???

Ok, maybe not. I guess I would have rather have had a nooner than the cookie but hey. Hmmm...you know it's funny.Earlier that morning they told me you'll never get a better workout than from when you have sex. I said, " Damn, I guess I'mma gain weight soon then.." See, now if I continue with that attitude and eat some fucking cookies for pleasure..yikes.

I don't think I need a good fuck, I think I just need some excitement in my life. OK, maybe I do need to stop self baking my cookies.

Hmmm...whatever happened Hello?

Last night I wanted to get drunk. I didn't want #'s, I didn't want to dance really. I just wanted to become one with alcohol and then knock the fuck out. Someone is sleep deprived over here.

But for some reason when I'm at a lounge, men feel the need to speak to me.

"Do you like racquetball?" Um, no I like boxing.

" Do you want to move with me?" OMG...this guy just stepped on my foot....*acting like I'm in pain but it actually happened 7 minutes ago...grabbing foot..No, I can't move right now.

"Where did you get your dress from cuz I'm looking for one just like it.." Hmmm...that's not really a turn on dude. And can you get your point across to me without rubbing on my side, I'm not a cat.

And you know I always save the best for last.

"What's a girl like you doing in here, you look like you're almost my age....."

*my pussy is dried up and shriveled apparently....

You mean it gets worse?

Worst Date Post...Here we go...............

So here's the question. What's your worst date ever?

Ok, I can honestly say it is my post Worst Date #51. I mean seriously, throwing up on the one you love, the one you don't have the chance to see everyday so you expect to have a fucking filled weekend but NO...ya threw up- on him, not once but over and over again...AND ya don't remember shit...

Hmmm.

#2 No comment, I plead the 5th....*You used to have WHAT???

#3 I once went on this date to Portland. We were supposed to go shopping. So you know...Seattle to Portland is one LONG ass drive.He was complaining that his throat hurt. But I kept telling him, you know..if you're sick we can cancel not a big deal, I would have rather been myspacing and smoking a phat one anyways...But he insisted that he was looking forward to it and he'll be fine. K, um...well strike #1, he really liked rock over R&B. So I'm dying in the car from music I've never heard before in my life. He's all like, you like this group and I'm like oh yea...um, no not really. By the time we reach Portland, he can't talk nor swallow. We're trying to eat lunch..I'm fucking chowing down and he's staring at his food like...I can't eat it. I did all the talking, while he nods.

*Are you fucking dumb ass? If so nod yes. I can tell you I've been on long drives before but nothing is worse than the drive home that night. In silence.

What was his illness? He had an abscess in his throat. Shopping could have waited. I put shopping on hold when I have ass issues...

#4. I once knew this person talking about girl..Imma take you out...So, ok mutha fucker, take me out. We end up at this bar or something and he opens his wallet. Oh I don't have cash...goes to the ATM...can't get cash out. So he looks at me, Kristina, do you have any money? I realize it's 50/50 world. Guys don't have to pay all the time. I'm in no way trying to sound like a bitch. But when it's like your first date(and also was my last w/ him) and he's hyping himself up...then I didn't expect to front the tab.

#5 I once went out with this dude who was a male nurse. He talked so much about how much many he made I wanted to stick ear plugs in my ear.He was nice...but seriously I know that RN's made cheddah...so I don't need to hear anymore about $$$. Then midway through the date he burps. I look at him like, um...waiting for an excuse me or something. I said, did you just burp? He's like yea..then he gets all murse on me and starts breaking down how the body burps and why.

Apparently he can't afford manners....